"Long Walk"

It was only a few days ago that we celebrated 20 years since Nelson Mandela was released from prison, and therefore began our long walk to a "non-racial" South Africa.

20 years is quite a long time, someone born 20 years ago could today be working, finishing varsity hell in this day and age he/she could even be a parent.

So you can see after 20 years of living in a "Non-racial" society I had no qualms about having another mom ( who just happens to be white) pay me a visit today.

However from the minute she arrived the racial disparity became very clear. She arrived at 10am! 10am! Mind you that's when she said she'd arrive but, I did not expect her to. "Its a Black thing" although she said 10am I was expecting her to arrive around 11:30am or even 12pm.

As I was getting over the rude awakening she walked in the door and the first thing out of her mouth is; " I am just too liberal for the Free State too liberal". I took the bait and asked her what had her so worked up, she went on to tell me how her neighbour a "regte Boere" was annoyed this morning because as she quoted her neighbour " die rasintjies will nie uit die pad loop nie" (I think I just wrote the raisins will not stop walking in the road). When she asked her neighbour who or what are the raisins her neighbour answered "the little Kaffir kids". I, not wanting to get into this conversation so early in the morning tried to brush it off calling it ignorance but no my visitor was not having it.

Like all (okay most) White people who I've come into contact with, she had to prove just how much she loved Black people. She started with " The Monologue" I've heard it so many times I can recite it myself.

"I have never had a problem with Black people, my father speaks fluent Zulu". Then the peis de resistance "my children just love our maid (I prefer helper) Francinah she's been with us for ages and Absolom our gardener he is just the best" I let them use our toilet" (how nice now I know should I visit won't have to hold my wee till I get home).

This Monologue as intriguing as it always is, makes me wonder, I understand a large number of Black people are Domestic workers and gardeners but why must white people always compare us to their domestic workers? Your in my house drinking my Nescafe, eating my Woolies muffins yet you see the woman that scrubs your toilet? Why must they also always try to show they are not racist, no not like their neighbour, co-worker etc? Why can't relationships, friendships be built without first having to recite the guilt ridden, pseudo- apology?

Its been 20 years since we started this journey, so when I ask do we reach the destination?

The Evil that is Gossip!

I understand that as women we are social creatures, therefore we Relish on our little communities or " cliques". Its what we get Up to when we are in the midst of these cliques that I want to discuss.

When we are in these groups we tend to discuss others, especially those in other groups. Its a woman thing we have these silent "wars" understated competition with other female groups. When we are in public we embrace each other but, the minute the person walks away we dissect their appearance, what they said who they are with...

This type of gossip by all accounts is harmless. Its only when such gossip permeates the Clique that you realise the toxicity of the practice. If you as women discuss others as recreation you will soon run out of subjects and turn to each other.

When you are on the side discussing you will not know the harm of a few choice words, words uttered without thought. Only when you are the discussed do you fully grasp the severity of your actions.

I remember while studying law we were taught in "The Law Of Contract" that omitting to act does not take away liability. How does this apply to gossip? Simple; just listening to gossip in itself makes you an accomplice, you are giving it a platform.

These principles were a few days ago nothing to me, Until I found myself caught up in the dreaded rumour mill. I found myself to be on both sides and let me tell you "its not nice"

I will not for the sake of personal growth get into the who, what,when and why. I will say though its been emotionally taxing, I have learned a lesson from this.

• If you gossip, you will be gossiped about.
• If you give someone the opportunity to gossip to you, eventually they will gossip about you.

The only way to effectively get rid of this "Drug" is to "JUST SAY NO". Although it may be addictive the pain of the crash is not worth the high.

So next time some one attempts to gossip about another to you, remember proverbs 13:3 " He who guards his mouth preserves his life and the one who opens wide his lips comes to ruin"

AMEN!

The Kitchen Gods wife " Book Review"

One of my new year’s resolutions was to start reading books. Growing up I loved to read, I cherished my library card. Nancy Drew, Sweet Valley High, Charlotte’s web… the list was endless. However with time the library card had to give way to lip gloss mascara and cell phones. I guess just like the Sweet valley twins I looked up to as a child, boys, bestfriends and life’s drama’s took over.



Now almost 30, married and a mom there’s much less drama, therefore I have come to realise I miss my long lost love of reading. After almost 15 yrs I walked into a library and got a library card. When it came time to choose I did not know where to start so I went to the first isle and did what I usually do when I’m at Mr. Video and have no idea which DVD to choose; read the back of the sleeves. After reading the back of the sleeves of a couple of books I decided on Amy Tan’s The Kitchen Gods wife ( Flamingo publishers)



The books is about a Chinese American woman (Pearl) and her relationship with her mother (Winnie), although they love one another they do not have the typical mother daughter relationship, something it seems is keeping the woman from having a closer bond. When Pearls aunt “thinks” she has a brain tumour and has a short time to live she confronts both women and tells them she can no longer keep their secrets that they are keeping from each other, she therefore is giving eachone the opportunity to tell the other, if not; she will.

The story had quite an impact on me because as Winnie told Pearl for the first time about growing up in china during the war, being deserted by her mother as child, having an arranged marriage to a husband who abused her physically and mentally all these events that stole her innocence, caused her lose trust in people, develop a tough exterior, and led to her being the person she is today. It led me to reflect on my own relationship with my mother.



There are so many things I would like to know about my own mother; why as a child she would desert our family (my father, two brothers’ and I) for month’s sometime years at a time. Why she was not like other mothers, why she did not tell us she loved us more importantly why she had so much anger aimed at me. With age the anger I had towards my mother have been replace with curiosity, why ? I realised  I only know my parternal family not much about my mothers family . Where she grew up, how was her childhood, what my grandparents were like (they died before I was born) why she has no relationship with her siblings. I want to be Pearl I want her to tell me her life story in a few hundred pages. Invite me over for a cup of tea, sit me down and reveal all to me. The most significant revelation being that she trully Loves me.



I doubt though that such will ever happen between my mother and me, but reading Tan’s book made me think maybe there’s more to my mother’s story. She also has events, a war?  An abusive husband?  Something that  led her to be astranged from her children, to fear expressing intimacy.



It’s ironic how a new year’s resolution as easy reading a book has me contemplating such a difficult descision as mending my relationship with my mother. *note to self; next time pick up a Danielle Steel novel.

bitten by the Blogging bug

Its the 10th of February 2010 and I'm on to resolution number 3. Resolution number one, was to put family first. That I realised by purging a few people in my life, 2009 I was all about "my girls" I was living a Carrie Bradshaw kind of life. Reality hit when I got pregenat with my second child and had to be on bed rest for the first trimester. Lets just say Carrie lost her groove, and as I puked every hour, had severe backaches, piles and ruptured blood vessel in my placenta, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda where no where to be found. No it was Hubby and my lil boy who took daily trips to Woolies to satisfy what ever the craving was that day from avocado and salmon to sour cream on toast. It was in those crucial 3 months that I came to terms with what I already knew "My boys come first". As much as I liked being invited to all the cool parties and having bottles of Moet sent to my table it did not define me. What will define me though is the kind of mother I am, what Khwezi will say, the kind of wife I am what will Zenzile say and last but not least what will my God say did I live up to the high expectations he had for me?

Resolution number two, is to read more so to bring this to fruition I did what I had to do I got a library card. The choice of books at the Langenhovenpark library though leave much to be desired. So this resolution might have to be tweeked, does exclusive books have a an account LOL...

Along with being a gourmet cook, teaching myself to bake and decorate award winning cakes (actually I want to channel my inner Martha Stewart) I also want to keep you entertained, informed and enthralled as we keep on this journey called life. So laugh, vent and cry with me...